You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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