just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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