Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
