I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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