as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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