He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize