Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
