VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
