Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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