I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
