God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
