the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
