I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize