Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
