For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize