Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
