forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
