I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
