I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
