Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
