I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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