Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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