The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
