dude i'm inner monologue high
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize