why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
