I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
