after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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