I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
