i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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