I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
