never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
