I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
