You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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