I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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