i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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