can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
