I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
