i'm signing you up for texting rehab
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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