Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
