Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I met the friendliest cop last night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
