don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this just has baby written all over it
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
