Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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