Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
