I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
