Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Randomize
