Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
