Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
