need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
