Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
