the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
