I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
