When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
