I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
